The Unknowns

I have never been good at the whole letting my guard down and letting people in. To be honest, my track record with it has been shit and I realized that if you keep a distance nobody can hurt you. Do you want to know how that works out? Not well. I become like this island, where the only thing keeping me company is that ever so familiar swirling darkness. Pain is almost like a friend of mine, or was, I don’t even know any more. All I know, is that pain (depression,anxiety and what have you) is consistent. Yes, it hurts like hell, but when you get accustomed to it always being there, there’s never a let down of it walking out of your life.

Relationships in my life have always been inconsistent. I guess those are the key words for this post: consistent and inconsistent. That guard I talked about is a result of said inconsistent relationships. Not in the romantic sense, but in the more personal sense with friends who I considered myself close with. I love the quote from One Tree Hill that says “people always leave”; I found it to be true and even when I realized it, the pain caused by their absence from my life never alleviated. It was always those who I managed to let my guard down with that ended up leaving, and each time it got harder and harder to not shift the blame inwardly. None of the people this is referring to have come back into my life yet… except for one.

What brings all of this out tonight is my ex-boyfriend. He, like the rest of those I tried letting in, left. It hurt like hell, especially after last time. We were broken up for a few months when I decided I needed to talk to him, because I missed him. That conversation turned into us making plans to catch up. I cancelled my plans I could have had that night, and I was so excited to see him again, but here’s the kicker. He stopped talking to me that whole week. So I asked for an explanation, and he rescheduled, only to once again stop communication with me. I was crushed, I felt not good enough and not wanted. This one I turned inwardly on myself. There had to be something wrong with me for him to lead me on like that.

So imagine my surprise when I received a message from him this week. Of course I couldn’t be mad at him, I didn’t/don’t have the emotional energy to be upset. We have been talking daily since then, and this time he asked if we could meet up some night this week. To be honest, I want to go so badly, but with this time I am not expecting anything. I don’t expect for this night to actually come to pass. Maybe I like being emotionally manipulated, maybe I don’t do well on my own, or maybe subconsciously I am looking for an excuse to spiral downwards. Whatever it is, I don’t know what this is going to be become.

That guard I let down with him is back up. I can’t get myself to reopen my heart to him, because I lost that trust I had for him when he blew me off (yet he continues telling me he misses seeing me). I don’t know if he’s playing me again, and that scares me to death, especially if we do actually meet up and I go right back to those feelings I had for him before.

Not knowing how something is going to turn out was never my thing. I’m a planner and scheduler, so this whole situation is new to me, yet I continue to talk to him all day because the feelings I have for him are coming back.

I’m probably going to regret this in a week or so, but who knows.

Online Dating: Stereotype of Being Catfished

Hello my readers tonight’s post is going to once again be a little different as I shall be discussing the subject of what is seeming to be a more and more common means of meeting people: online dating.

Yes, yes you read right, online dating. For several months I have had a profile on one of these sights as an attempt to begin conversations with gentlemen callers who I find attractive and vise versa. Over said months I have chit chatted with many, yet only met one and that was a safe meeting up as I already kind of knew him (and knowing his mom was an added safety net. I hope that didn’t sound as sketchy as it may seem). But I’ve found overtime that when it comes to making a plan to meet up with a guy I freak the fuck out. Call it insecurity or what have you but it never fails that I get cold feet.

Those shows about catfishing come to the forefront of my mind and I begin panicking that I too will just be scammed. But why is this so?

I feel like even with online dating there’s still a mystery and sense of anonymity to it when you begin talking to someone you may be attracted to. Yes on paper (or on screen) they look good. They have a job, go or went to college and all of the values you are looking for but that sense of doubt can still linger.

Are they are who they say they are?
Are they just wanting to meet up for sex?
Am I attractive enough to them for sex?
What if they don’t like me?

 

All of these things go through our heads, at least mine, when it comes to that first meeting up. There’s a stereotype of internet dating websites that I believe holds a strong piece of forming relationships with those we come into contact with.

Reaching Out for Help

Hey guys! So this post may be a little upsetting or whatever but as my followers I hope some of this resonates with you.

Today in therapy I was asked who I talk to outside of treatment/individual therapy about when I’m struggling. It’s a question I guess I never really thought about before, but when I was asked it with an intent of receiving an honest answer I couldn’t think of one single person.

Do you know how shitty and alone that made me feel? Hearing myself talk in that session about how I have no one I talk to when shit gets real in my life actually made me feel more alone (yeah I didn’t think that was possible either). But the thing that sucks is that I do have people I could talk to; my issue is that I don’t lean on others when I’m hurting.

I’ve always been a rock when it comes to others and even when it comes to showing emotions. Which is why therapy and treatment is so fucking unbelievably hard. I see people cry their eyes out and I sit back and wonder how they can let those types of emotions out in the presence of others. There’s nothing wrong with that at all, don’t get me wrong. I actually admire them in those moments, because that is real and true fucking shit right there. I’m working against 24 years of this belief that showing others when you cry is weak (emotional scars from bullying, anyone?) and emotions should be held back until you can control them. The biggest thing though is that I’m working against the belief I have that my problem MUST be severe enough to get help or feedback on. So unless I’m dying or my parents died (because to be upset my fucked up mind tells me only my parents are worth crying and mourning and laying in bed for weeks over), there’s really no reason to open my mouth and talk to my friends about things that I find triggering or stressful or whatever. You see my problem?

I fear of becoming the friend who is just the issue of the week. The one who always seems to be depressed (because being clinically diagnosed isn’t justifiable to why I am feeling the way I am) or emotionally unstable. “Bat shit crazy” isn’t something I want to become to my friends, or even the wet blanket of the group. I just want to be normal and have normal 24 year old problems.

So talking to my friends is probably something I should work on. Thanks for listening or reading or whatever you do on this blog, and thanks for letting me rant and bitch for a few paragraphs. Now, on to your regularly scheduled postings!!