The Sick Card

As someone who is working their ass off to live a better life, a life of recovery and happiness and self-love, it angers me to my core seeing people who play “the sick card” to their advantage. But that’s the thing about mental illness, no matter what label it has attached to it by psychologists and professionals, it’s a manipulative son of a bitch.

When we’re sick we become monsters, shells of the person we one were. We become liars and co-dependent on things we never saw value in before.

Then, there’s treatment.

We finally find a team or a psychologist who doesn’t make us feel like hopeless cases, who genuinely believes in us and wants nothing more for us than an improved quality of life. There’s actual tools we can use to better ourselves. Things in our life begin to turn around; we see goals we never thought we could achieve being met, new life aspirations and motivation and self-confidence. For the first time in years that light at the end of the tunnel isn’t just some cheesy ass metaphor used on motivational posters or in the abstract way. That darkness that only we can feel and see soon turns into a light, and dammit it feels so good to finally find that exit door out of all this shit we’ve been hiding in for years.

But it’s not like that for everyone.

Some find peace and comfort in the constant worrying of those around them, the phone calls or text messages of friends and family checking up on them to make sure they’re ok. They thrive on the sympathy of suffering from their mental illness, they cloak themselves as the patient and find that having this illness is the perfect scape goat for real life. Treatment, whether it be outpatient or inpatient or hospitalizations, isn’t meant to be fun or ClubMed. That shit is painful, even more painful than life tends to be, but that is their safety net.
Life gets too stressful or something happens that they don’t like, there they go pulling out the sick card they have neatly tucked away just for moments like these. Soon the sympathy and support of others comes pouring in and they gain that control of others back. For some reason, they thrive on manipulating people to feel sorry for them and make them go out of their way to prove that they care about them. It’s almost as if they’re trapping others into a world of misery because hey as the saying goes, “misery loves company”.
Real life becomes their treatment (meaning it’s soon a place they no longer wish to be, even though it’s where they need to be) and treatment becomes their life. It’s no longer a name they see or want others to see, but it’s an illness of epic proportions that they use to greet the world with.
Others in their life are forced to learn how to walk all over again around them, as not to break the egg shells strategically placed all over the ground in their home. One false step can cause the yolk to ooze out of the once complete shell, the shrapnel of broken shell digs and cuts at the heel, causing pain for the person stepping on the broken shell and that perfect excuse for the mentally ill person to absolutely lose their shit and spiral back down into whatever hole they have dug for themselves.

The Unknowns

I have never been good at the whole letting my guard down and letting people in. To be honest, my track record with it has been shit and I realized that if you keep a distance nobody can hurt you. Do you want to know how that works out? Not well. I become like this island, where the only thing keeping me company is that ever so familiar swirling darkness. Pain is almost like a friend of mine, or was, I don’t even know any more. All I know, is that pain (depression,anxiety and what have you) is consistent. Yes, it hurts like hell, but when you get accustomed to it always being there, there’s never a let down of it walking out of your life.

Relationships in my life have always been inconsistent. I guess those are the key words for this post: consistent and inconsistent. That guard I talked about is a result of said inconsistent relationships. Not in the romantic sense, but in the more personal sense with friends who I considered myself close with. I love the quote from One Tree Hill that says “people always leave”; I found it to be true and even when I realized it, the pain caused by their absence from my life never alleviated. It was always those who I managed to let my guard down with that ended up leaving, and each time it got harder and harder to not shift the blame inwardly. None of the people this is referring to have come back into my life yet… except for one.

What brings all of this out tonight is my ex-boyfriend. He, like the rest of those I tried letting in, left. It hurt like hell, especially after last time. We were broken up for a few months when I decided I needed to talk to him, because I missed him. That conversation turned into us making plans to catch up. I cancelled my plans I could have had that night, and I was so excited to see him again, but here’s the kicker. He stopped talking to me that whole week. So I asked for an explanation, and he rescheduled, only to once again stop communication with me. I was crushed, I felt not good enough and not wanted. This one I turned inwardly on myself. There had to be something wrong with me for him to lead me on like that.

So imagine my surprise when I received a message from him this week. Of course I couldn’t be mad at him, I didn’t/don’t have the emotional energy to be upset. We have been talking daily since then, and this time he asked if we could meet up some night this week. To be honest, I want to go so badly, but with this time I am not expecting anything. I don’t expect for this night to actually come to pass. Maybe I like being emotionally manipulated, maybe I don’t do well on my own, or maybe subconsciously I am looking for an excuse to spiral downwards. Whatever it is, I don’t know what this is going to be become.

That guard I let down with him is back up. I can’t get myself to reopen my heart to him, because I lost that trust I had for him when he blew me off (yet he continues telling me he misses seeing me). I don’t know if he’s playing me again, and that scares me to death, especially if we do actually meet up and I go right back to those feelings I had for him before.

Not knowing how something is going to turn out was never my thing. I’m a planner and scheduler, so this whole situation is new to me, yet I continue to talk to him all day because the feelings I have for him are coming back.

I’m probably going to regret this in a week or so, but who knows.

A Simple Thank You

I’m trying a new thing this year and that’s to be more thankful for the people I have in my life. A lot of the ones I considered family in every sense of the word didn’t make it to 2015 to celebrate the new life I’m trying to have. A life of recovery, motivation in school, determination and hope. I’ve heard it said before that when God closes one door another one opens, and I’m finding that to be true the more I continue living this new life of mine.

Things really suck sometimes, and when I have bad days it’s easier for me to stay in bed than get up and seize the day, but I try my hardest to not let my demons and inner pain win. Some days I fall and others I thrive; it’s all part of not only the recovery process but of life in general. I believe the bad days show who my true friends are; it’s in those bad days, the moments of pure raw emotion and vulnerability that I catch a glimpse into the love I really have for others and they have for me.

So this is to them, the friends who are family and friends who I am growing and recovering with every day. Thank you.

M&T,

Thank you for not letting my issues get in between us and for sticking it out. I don’t think you’ll ever really know how much your letters to me when I was in treatment meant to me. I’d read the words written on paper from you guys and I could hear your voices. I could picture us having that conversation face to face, laughing and making inappropriate jokes the entire time. Thank you for the slight intervening conversation about how I was getting sick and you were scared for me. I know at the time I might have laughed it off, but I was just as scared as you guys. I didn’t know if going away would be the end of our friendship, but you proved your unconditional love and support for me even though you didn’t have to. A lifetime of love, trust and loyalty was built up again in just one month. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Who would have thought those small moments we shared together would turn into the bonds that held us together? Certainly not me. I think us knowing each other for so long, in a way we were destined to be best friends. You guys know almost everything about me, and didn’t push me away when I was at my lowest; you supported me and encouraged me, and it is honestly something I wasn’t expecting.

Through all the fights, the distance or whatever life had for us, it never got in between our friendship. If we go a while without seeing each other, we pick right back up where we left off. At the end of the night when we go our separate ways I feel lighter somehow. You guys give me a light, and all it takes is a simple friendship and now that I am more in my life than ever, I am excited to see all life has for us in this new chapter. By just being you, as fucking crazy and hysterical as you guys are, I found who I am becoming; I found that I am accepted and loved just the way I am. This bumpy ass road known as recovery is a bitch, but the fact that you two are strapped in the passenger seat with your hands on the dashboard and bracing yourself for each bump and roadblock makes you two fucking rockstars!

I am eternally grateful for you two and love you beyond words

 

To the friends I’ve met along the way,

I never in a million years would have thought I’d meet some of the best people I could have asked for in my life in a treatment program. We have seen each other at our best and at our ugliest. I’ve seen all of you vulnerable, and you have seen me at my weakest as well. Starting the journey of recovery I wasn’t sure I would be alright. I wasn’t expecting to meet people like you; people so genuine, honest, loving, selfless and open. I never had friends who knew what I was experiencing and were also fighting like hell for their lives to be better. My friends from residential didn’t last, and that sting carried over into outpatient. But you guys, you guys are different.

The time we spend hanging out and going out to dinner means the world to me. How we can laugh and be normal young adults without the hinderance of our being sick getting in the way. I appreciate how much you encourage me to stay strong even though I am not sure if you even realize it or not. It’s astonishing how whenever we need each other we’re all only a text or phone call away. The universality and empathy helps in times of crisis. I wasn’t the best person to get to know when I first met you all, shit I don’t think any of us were at that time; but as days turned into months and we shared more pain and laughs and vulnerability in the four walls of that group room, we all changed. I don’t know if I ever say it, but the fact that our bond and trust of one another can carry over into the real world is incredible.

I’m pulling for you guys to get better, to kick this eating disorders ass, to be fully in your life and to be happy because out of everyone I’ve ever met you all deserve the fucking world. All of the shit you’ve been through, all of the pain and brokenness you’ve experienced breaks my heart to think about. I can’t imagine where I’d be at not only in recovery but in life if I haven’t met you.

 

I am eternally grateful for you all,

Jess

Cop Outs & Closure

So a couple of days ago I finally got my answer I’ve been wanting for the past 3 years from my ex-best friend and to be honest I’m doing alright with it.

I was in my room trying to focus on my homework, yet I kept thinking about her and what happened. I was getting angry, and the words on the pages in my textbook were turning into just black marks on a page. I could feel my anxiety rising, along with my anger so I decided to bite the bullet and send her a text asking if I could be told what happened.

When my phone lit up with her name on the screen I felt my heart palpitate as I unlocked my phone and read her response. It wasn’t a long drawn out explanation; she informed me that it was because she moved and friendships grow apart and we are doing very different things with our lives. Her words, no ad-lib.

Grow apart? I was constantly making an effort to keep into contact with her even though she was across the country. I read it a few times, and felt myself getting more upset to the point of tears. It was a bullshit cop out and I knew it. Hurt doesn’t even begin to describe the emotions I was feeling in that moment. I read and reread it over and over and over again for a few minutes until I realized that I was no longer worth the truth to her.

This happened Friday, and today I am no longer hurt by her cop out reason. Friends, even though they do very different things with their lives (which is normal for adults), still should be able to maintain a friendship if there’s an effort on both parts. I realized that for the past 3 years I was the only one in the friendship making an effort. So today as I write this post I am actually content with how everything is now. I don’t feel that heaviness or resentment/anger towards her any more. I am learning to love who I am, and made a promise to myself that I don’t need friends/people in my life who are going to bring me back down into self-destructive tendencies. So I’m moving on with my life, and I am more than alright with it. I have some of the best friends I could ever have asked for still in my life, and if anything this whole thing taught me to cherish those people more than ever. I finally received closure, even if it wasn’t the answer I needed, I still got one. If I’m not worth the truth, she’s not worth my friendship. I’m more happy now and appreciative of all of those who stick by me.

Letting Go

Just because I let you go, doesn’t mean I wanted to

I woke up this morning thinking about one of the greatest friends I’ve ever lost over the years. She was someone I was proud to call my best friend. We’d stay up until the early hours of the morning talking, countless hours spent in each others company. We were there for each other through the good and the bad and I never thought I’d lose that friendship.

Yet here I am, and there she is somewhere out on the west coast doing whatever she is that life led her into. If I’m being honest I spent the past year or two being resentful towards her because when I look back on it, the day I landed in the psychiatric hospital was the day we lost our connection. Of course she and I were losing that closeness we once shared and I could feel it coming but I didn’t want to accept it as truth.

Most days it was as if our friendship was a car stuck on the train tracks with the flashing lights and bells blaring. In the distance you could hear that train coming, and with each passing moment when you look up you see something starting to resemble a train more and more barreling towards you. It’s over soon, you know damn well you’re going to get hit and blown to smithereens.

So now it’s been 2 years since we’ve talked; people who know what happened or how close we were ask me if it’s gotten any easier to live without my best friend. It’s finally getting there. For so long I was holding on to this shred of hope that maybe she’d call me up and we’d talk about what happened. She’d apologize for shutting me out when I needed her most, for not talking me to me at all that month I was in treatment across the country. I’d apologize for taking my insecurities out, for keeping some shred of my wall up with her even after 5 years of friendship. Obviously that is probably not going to happen.

With her out in California and myself in New York, the distance has given me time to think a lot about my best friend. I’ve come to accept that we are no longer friends. I’ve accepted that maybe she was a friend meant to be in my life for a season and that season has come to an end; and you know the crazy thing? I am ok with that truth.

I still wish her well, as I hope she does to me. I hope she is happy and is getting the best out of life that she can. Letting go of that relationship was probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do in my life, but the world didn’t end when I did. I didn’t want to let go of it, but once I did and accepted that she wasn’t going to be coming back into my life, other things in my own life seemed to fall into place.

It’s ok to let go. Life doesn’t stop. Not to sound cheesy but I think things end so new & better things can come into your life.

Walking On Broken Glass

I’m not a malicious person, and if you know me in real life you know that I’d do anything for the people I care about & love. But something happens when you’re going through it. I mean really going through it, to the point where everyday feels like you’re fighting for your life & the ability to stay alive. In that internal chaos something happens & you begin lashing out.

This lashing out causes strife & conflict within our personal relationships. Some people stay & put up with the bullshit and others leave. I’ve struggled to accept that truth, but as I get older and experience more and more of this fight, I’m beginning to understand why. Think of it as friendly fire, only it’s not so friendly.

For me, I’ve been told that I do angry well. Apparently angry puts walls up so people will back away from me; that’s what professionals say anyways. Anger can turn into gun fire. It’s like everything gets so built up that the smallest spark sets off bullets flying everywhere; and like friendly fire, the shrapnel from that anger and build up of emotions ends up hitting almost everyone around me as a result. Is that a pretty legit visual?

So lately, as I’m becoming more aware of this fact and mindful of when the pressure is beginning to build, I’ve been feeling like I’m walking on broken glass around those I love and care about. I don’t want to continue blowing holes in my relationships because I am so sick of feeling alone. I feel as if though in the moments where that internal gun is going to go off I need to tread lightly in my words and as a result of that, I end up isolating or shutting down. My head is the most hostile and unsafe environment I can go to in these times, but I always find my way back there. People say I’ve become distant and if I’m being honest with myself I know that they’re right.

Walking on broken glass & being aware of what I’m feeling because of the things I’m dealing with is the hardest thing I’ve had to face. I don’t want to risk hurting another person I care about and I don’t want to carry that shame and guilt around with me if the list of those I accidentally injured during a time where emotional bullets and daggers are carelessly flying everywhere were to increase in number.

Maybe It’s Just Me: Love

I’ve tried a few times over the past few days to write this post but when it comes to the topic of love, I find it hard to write about so here are some of my thoughts I have about the word.

1. It’s Conditional. 
Everyone dreams of a love that is unconditional, but I don’t believe a love such as this exists within the reach of human beings. I’m not getting spiritual or religious here but I cannot believe that an unconditional love between two people can truly exist. People fall in and out of love on a daily basis, friends become enemies or distant from a fight or other circumstances, families can fall apart in a matter of months from quarreling.

I know I’m only 24 but I’ve both experienced and observed so many instances where these things occur that it makes me doubt the idea of unconditional love between two people. Things occur that are difficult to forgive, let alone forget and this causes a gap in the relationship where the same level of love is no longer there.

2. It Comes & Goes

A lot of what I’m saying may come across as depressing, but I’m just expressing what I see as truth in my world. They say that nothing lasts forever and I believe the same thing can be said about love. Now I’m not just talking about romantic love for this post. A love between friends who grew close over the years and then one day look around and realize they went from close to acquaintance happens a lot in my own opinion. I believe it’s just a part of the human experience.

I have however on a more positive note come to realize that just because that love in a friendship has come and gone, does not mean it’s the end of the world. You know the old saying that when God closes a door it’s so He can open another one? Well that’s exactly what I believe happens in situations like this. One person plays a role in your life for a season and when that season comes to an end, another person or people can enter into your life whereas before they might not have gotten a chance to do so.

3. It Requires Trust.

I’ll be blunt here. I have trust issues all over the place, especially in regards to allowing people in. Something in me is telling me to trust no one, but what type of life would that be if I listened? I’d be a crazy, friendless and lonely cat lady by the time I hit 25. Trust is one of the most difficult things we as humans have to learn to do. From past mistakes we tend to not want to trust anyone from there on out; yet when you think about that, isn’t it completely unfair to place the blame on someone who was not even part of the reason your walls were built?

Here’s what I’ve learned about trust (a point inside a point?! You betcha!)
a) it takes time. It’s dangerous to be an open book all at once; normal people aren’t going to stick around for long if your way of trust is to throw your whole life at them in one conversation (unless it’s someone you’re paying.. but even then..)
b) it’s scary. There’s always that risk where the person you believe you can trust will turn out to use your words against you, spread rumors about you and so on.
c) It makes relationships more fulfilling. Being able to trust someone is key to a relationship (once again in my opinion). Trusting someone enough to discuss whatever is a way of giving them a piece of your heart even without saying those exact words.

I genuinely believe we’re all capable of love; however it may not and probably won’t be a Romeo & Juliet love or Tony & Maria type of love (because we all know how those 2 stories end… dun dun!). So to end this, I’ll leave you with one last point:

4) To love is to be alive

 

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
Lau Tzu

That’s Life: Friendships

People grow apart.
Relationships end.
It’s painful & sometimes devastating but that opens the door for a new chapter in your life.

I’ve had several times throughout my life where I without a doubt was sensing that a relationship between me and some friends was surely coming to an end.It seemed all I could do was sit back and watch it happen, slowly but surely. I was scared not knowing what life would be like without these people and I was heart broken knowing that people who were so important to me that I would do anything for were pushing away from me.
It feels like you’re being rejected, like you’re not good enough for them to consider a friend any more and like you did something so bad that they want nothing to do with you.

You call many times with no answer. You send texts without any response. You spend so many hours in the day trying to remember a reason of why they’re mad at you,what you possibly could have done because obviously it’s your fault; yet you realize there simply is no answer.

I’ve struggled with this. There always has to be an answer, yet the answer of I don’t know isn’t a suitable one. But that’s so black and white, isn’t it?

I don’t know why I was thinking about this today, but through my time of pondering the question of “why do people we cherish so much sometimes leave without explanation?” I realized that sometimes it’s simply the card we’re dealt.

People change, and that’s ok. We go through things that make us sit back and reevaluate our life and those we spend time with. In moments of pain, sometimes we exhaust those we consider close to us. Friends are not in our lives to be our On-Call Therapists. Yes, we should be able to talk to them about anything if that level of a relationship exists, yet that shouldn’t be all the relationship is about.

Change is hard to accept, especially in others. I think we take for granted those in our life who we grow close to. We can sometimes place walls up with them, expecting they will not allow us to push them away, and sometimes they give up on trying to break through.

With different phases of life, we can lose relationships too. Some go off to college miles and miles away. Meet new people and grow close to them instead. But that doesn’t mean you’re less than. It doesn’t say that you’re not good enough or that you did something wrong. It’s just life.

Life can beat us down to a point where we’re holding on by the tips of our fingers. We can get beat down to a point where we feel that we’re alone, and it will always be that way. But over the course of this year I’m learning something that I never thought I’d believe as true: people change, relationships alter, and it’s alright. It will be alright, if only you fight through the pain.