Tag Archives: love

#TruthTellers

Why are we so afraid to tell the truth? Isn’t honesty the key to any successful relationship? It doesn’t have to be romantic relationships, it can be relationships with friends and family members. Instead of being honest, we tend to tell “white lies” and justify them by convincing ourselves we were just looking out for those around us. Half of the time we don’t see white lies as lies at all, so the conscious backlash we feel towards ourselves is minimal at best. Maybe we even start to be honest with those closest to us, but never really give the whole story, out of shame or fear. Again, there’s less guilt attached to this because technically we didn’t lie, we just didn’t tell the whole truth.

But what good does lying or covering up some part of the truth do for us? Trust me, I used to be (or at least I like to think I was) an expert half-ass truth teller. In the moment where your kind of lying but not technically lying, it may seem worth it to keep that arms-length distance. Nobody gets hurt, and your real pain, the shame or the guilt is still protected in this nice little cocoon of deception. Do you want to know what I believe is the number one reason for why we lie to those around us when we’re walking through some hard situations? Ok even if you don’t want to know, you’re here reading this so there’s a 99.99% chance you’re going to hear it anyways.

We don’t want to be vulnerable

That’s really all there is to it. I remember when I was in the depth of my eating disorder and self-injury I would half-ass the truth constantly. Someone would ask me if I was eating (because apparently I was looking like I was losing weight fast, even though I couldn’t see it through the funhouse mirrors that were my eyes), I wouldn’t lie but I wouldn’t tell the entire truth either. I’d tell them “of course I’m eating! I’m just watching what I eat and working out more”. The truth is, what I was eating was more like what I wasn’t eating. I was also working out so that wasn’t a lie either, but the amount I worked out was enough to cancel out the miniscule number of calories I consumed that day. I felt this strange ownership over all of this too; it was mine to have and I’d be damned if someone wanted to take it away from me. To put it simply, it became my entire identity. I was no longer a daughter, a student or a friend; all I was, was that number on the scale that was always too high and the number of calculated calories I consumed and then disposed of. So when I got asked about it, I didn’t want to be vulnerable so I hid behind deception and half-assed truth.

Sooner or later, however, I did start telling the truth and boy was it painful. But I didn’t start being a truth teller until I was on the other side of those things. The “shame about the pain” was too great for me to face when I was plummeting towards rock bottom. I remember the first time I was able to tell the truth and be vulnerable, I was in a room with a bunch of people who were broken just like I was, and man did it suck. The ironic thing is, I had been in therapy for a couple of years before all of this too, but I never once told the honest to god truth. I was 23 and in a residential treatment center, and then again at 24 in an outpatient treatment center (which sucked so much worse than residential! I actually had to deal with real life… ew). Truth telling felt fake at first, because I realized that even I was starting to believe my own crap. The sick part of my mind made up the lies to begin with, but soon they became who I was in a way. But when you’re in a room of broken people who are just like you when you’re being honest and vulnerable, you get a lot of head shakes and “me too” as feedback.

Yet truth telling in treatment is so much different than truth telling when you’re placed back in your life. Like I said, I didn’t start really telling the truth to my family and friends until I was certain I was on the other side of most of my crap. I was ashamed if I was struggling and I was “just wanting to protect them” (another lie my lovely sick mind created). There’s a phrase one of my therapists in outpatient always used to tell us; she’d say that sometimes we just need to sit in it (the “it” being the discomfort and everything else we were avoiding by using our eating disorder). Well, I didn’t want to sit in it, because sitting in it requires facing life and feeling vulnerable. So instead of sitting in it, I’d lie and tell people the half-ass truth so I could continue using the one coping mechanism I found to be most successful in avoiding vulnerability. Yet I realized that not telling the truth to those people in my life when I really should be not only hurts me, but it hurts them as well. I like to think of keeping up those walls and giving the half-assed truth as a nonverbal middle-finger.

A lot of it too has to do with how we feel society wants us to be. Go on Facebook or Instagram and people have their lives displayed like it’s a freakin’ Hallmark movie where everything is just peachy. I’m pretty sure we all know that that is a load of B.S, but that’s how we feel like we should act and portray ourselves even offline. Everyone has their crap, but we put our stage lives out there to hide the behind the curtain reality of what’s really going on with us. We get this feeling that people don’t want to hear about our struggles so we bottle it up and say nothing, only revealing the scars after the wounds have healed. Is that fair to those who love us unconditionally? Nope. Is it fair to us, who deserve to be loved unconditionally, supported and valued for being who we are? Nope. So here’s what I’m learning lately:

  • Being vulnerable sucks
  • Hiding behind shame and fear is easy
  • Being a truth teller is hard
  • Covering up the truth with lies is easy
  • Shame only amplifies the pain
  • People closest to you in your life won’t judge you for being honest, and if they do they’re not the people you need walking the path with you
  • It’s better to be vulnerable with others when you’re going through hell than to be vulnerable alone
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Is Change Real?

I’ve been thinking a lot about how/if people change over the course of their lives. To be honest it’s something I’ve always questioned, and over the past couple of years I’ve began to doubt. They say a leopard can’t change its spots, and when it comes to the character of someone I wonder if the same concept can be applied.

But then I reflect on my own life, and I do see change. I am not the exception to the rule; I have worked my ass off over the course of a year to change who I am, how I live my life and how I treat others. Is it a complete 180? I don’t think so, for there is still so much of the “old” Jess still inside and I see it come out when I’m being pushed into a corner or when shit is seemingly hitting the fan.

What really made me begin questioning change again was the result of some events that happened over the weekend. My ex-boyfriend and I started talking again, and like all of the other times before, I was the one who started the conversations. For the first time since we’ve known each other we had a real conversation and were open with each other about how we felt; not only about what happened that ended our relationship, but how we still felt about each other.

It got really messy towards the end, and I saw the inevitable break up coming. But even so, my heart was still falling in love with him.

I thought I saw some positive signs that backed up his claim to me that he was changing. We had a plan to meet up today after he got out of work, but the old person he was when we were together came back. I haven’t heard from him in 2 days, and I’m wondering if I’m still just a game to him. I refuse to be someone who he reaches out to when it’s convenient to him. I’m not a door mat, and it took me years to get to the level of security in myself and be assertive. If I’m being honest, the only time we talk now is when I make the move and text him; I’m starting to get the hint/message that he really doesn’t want to be in my life, even when he claimed he regrets ever letting me go.

So now I’m stuck wondering and trying to process all of this. Does he really think we could work things out? Is he really a changed man? Is he just saying all of these things because he knows I want to hear them? Is the claim he’s changed just a lie?

So that’s where I’m at right now, still struggling to find the hope in people that they really can change.

Taking a Risk

Hey guys! So I’ve been wanting to get back into music, song writing & simply playing my guitar for a while now. This morning I began typing out words, not expecting to get anything really (I mean I only had 2 cups of coffee lol) but I think I came up with something (yay!) . For some reason sharing this is the most vulnerable thing I can do, even sharing my story & writing out these posts are cake compared to sharing my writings. I hope this risk is worth it & you all enjoy it!

Here are the lyrics:

Do you know, what it’s like 
Drowning in this ocean that started out as rain drops?
Cause I, yeah I
Am in need of a life boat
To pull me up to safety.
Come quick. 

The waters turning violent,
A storm heading my way.
Erasing all the silence
Thunder echoes loud like every word you say. 

Send out an S.O.S to get me out of here.
Rough, rough waters are all I see
I forgot how to swim, throw me something to hold on to
And now everything I loved
is turning into everything I fear. 

**Disclaimer: this isn’t even close to being finished but I just wanted to share what I had thus far**

Feel free to comment below on your thoughts about this!! Have a great day you guys & stay strong!!

The Strength of Mothers

Getting older shows you what strength really is, and I believe I’ve found the definition of strength in my mother. All moms really are the ones who deserve a medal for the strength and courage and foundation they provide for their children. So where’s their medal of honor or purple heart? I believe it’s in the lives of their children.

Mother’s are the ones who put on a brave face for their child even if they themselves are scared out of their mind as well, but they never let it show. It’s admirable, how selfless my mother is, how she never lets me see her vulnerabilities in emotionally triggering situations. She’s shaped me into the young woman I am today and that strength I see inside of her I can only hope to gain as I get older.

If there were ever a role model in the life of a girl, it should be our mothers. They nurture us after our birth, they spend endless nights laying awake at night just incase our cries come over the baby monitor, they teach us (along with our fathers of course) how to develop the cognitive ability to form words and to walk and to be a piece of them. Then when we get older they become a friend who can be closer than any other friend; they still try so desperately to protect us from the painful and scarring things life throws at us so mercilessly, no matter how old we are. I can recall countless conversations with my mom about my Grandma and how she told me Grandma never cried infront of her or my uncles after the passing of my Grandpa because she had to be strong for them. That fact always astonished me; I wondered where that strength came from and I knew that when I got older, it was a strength I wished to have as well.

And then something happened, and that exact character trait shone through within my own mom. In a situation where I should have been trying to emotionally keep my mother together, I was the one falling apart at the seems and she was there (like my Grandma to her and my uncles) as a source of comfort and strength and support. I never saw her cry, not once that day.

That’s the thing about moms, and I can only hope to one day inherit those characteristics she and my Grandma have; they place their children before themselves and in return become the most selfless people on the face of this earth. It’s admirable, really.

I just hope to make my mother proud through my life. From the time I was a little girl I wanted to be like my Grandma, and as I get older and the relationship I have with my mom grows closer and stronger with each day, I can only dream to be a perfectly entwined combination of those 2 admirably strong and independent women.

I can only wish that all young girls are able to experience these things. A mothers strength, courage and love for others has the ability to change the lives of us children.

“The relationship between parents and children, especially between mothers and daughters, is tremendously powerful, scarcely to be comprehended in any rational way”- Joyce Carol Oates

Maybe It’s Just Me: Love

I’ve tried a few times over the past few days to write this post but when it comes to the topic of love, I find it hard to write about so here are some of my thoughts I have about the word.

1. It’s Conditional. 
Everyone dreams of a love that is unconditional, but I don’t believe a love such as this exists within the reach of human beings. I’m not getting spiritual or religious here but I cannot believe that an unconditional love between two people can truly exist. People fall in and out of love on a daily basis, friends become enemies or distant from a fight or other circumstances, families can fall apart in a matter of months from quarreling.

I know I’m only 24 but I’ve both experienced and observed so many instances where these things occur that it makes me doubt the idea of unconditional love between two people. Things occur that are difficult to forgive, let alone forget and this causes a gap in the relationship where the same level of love is no longer there.

2. It Comes & Goes

A lot of what I’m saying may come across as depressing, but I’m just expressing what I see as truth in my world. They say that nothing lasts forever and I believe the same thing can be said about love. Now I’m not just talking about romantic love for this post. A love between friends who grew close over the years and then one day look around and realize they went from close to acquaintance happens a lot in my own opinion. I believe it’s just a part of the human experience.

I have however on a more positive note come to realize that just because that love in a friendship has come and gone, does not mean it’s the end of the world. You know the old saying that when God closes a door it’s so He can open another one? Well that’s exactly what I believe happens in situations like this. One person plays a role in your life for a season and when that season comes to an end, another person or people can enter into your life whereas before they might not have gotten a chance to do so.

3. It Requires Trust.

I’ll be blunt here. I have trust issues all over the place, especially in regards to allowing people in. Something in me is telling me to trust no one, but what type of life would that be if I listened? I’d be a crazy, friendless and lonely cat lady by the time I hit 25. Trust is one of the most difficult things we as humans have to learn to do. From past mistakes we tend to not want to trust anyone from there on out; yet when you think about that, isn’t it completely unfair to place the blame on someone who was not even part of the reason your walls were built?

Here’s what I’ve learned about trust (a point inside a point?! You betcha!)
a) it takes time. It’s dangerous to be an open book all at once; normal people aren’t going to stick around for long if your way of trust is to throw your whole life at them in one conversation (unless it’s someone you’re paying.. but even then..)
b) it’s scary. There’s always that risk where the person you believe you can trust will turn out to use your words against you, spread rumors about you and so on.
c) It makes relationships more fulfilling. Being able to trust someone is key to a relationship (once again in my opinion). Trusting someone enough to discuss whatever is a way of giving them a piece of your heart even without saying those exact words.

I genuinely believe we’re all capable of love; however it may not and probably won’t be a Romeo & Juliet love or Tony & Maria type of love (because we all know how those 2 stories end… dun dun!). So to end this, I’ll leave you with one last point:

4) To love is to be alive

 

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
Lau Tzu