Dear Self.

Eat as if you love yourself.

Give nutrients and love
to the most precious of gifts you’ve been entrusted with.

Don’t deny yourself the pleasure of food
for without, you wither away, like the flowers in the fall.

Be patient with yourself.

You’re a work in progress
and you don’t have to have it all figured out.

Enjoy the labyrinth of life.
Observe and appreciate each stone you step on
as you wind in and out of the paths.
Not one singular path is the right one.
Be flexible with yourself.

Let the past be free.

Release that bird from the cage
that you’ve been holding hostage for years.
It’s place is not inside your home
where you can be with it any time you choose.

Watch as it flies away into the distance.
Say a cheerful goodbye
for when it leaves, you will have less clutter,
one less thing to clean up after or worry about.

Take a break.

Go for a walk, and enjoy the moment.
My dear you have all day to live inside your head.
Clarity comes in these moments
when you observe the wind
the air
the smell of fresh cut grass.

Life and the demands can wait for a moment.
The stressors of life can weigh you down.
It’s ok to step outside every once in a while
and appreciate all you have in life.

The most important of all is this:

Treat yourself like the valuable jewel you are.

Livin’ The Dream

It started out as a joke that whenever someone would ask how I was, I’d respond with “livin’ the dream!” Only now if you know me, you know that when I get down time and get into my head, I wonder some really deep almost philosophical shit. I’m not sure what brought this on tonight, but I’m sitting here wondering how do you know when you’re actually living the dream?
It’s easy to say it when you’re joking and you’re actually working towards your dream, but do we ever wake up one day or look around our world and realize we are actually living it?
Here’s what my dream looks like:
Have my degree in clinical psychology/mental health counseling
Have a job as a psychologist
Own my own place
Have a gentleman caller in my life (yeah, I called a boyfriend a gentleman caller so deal with it).
I’d say my dream is pretty black and white. Right now I’m starting my senior year of undergraduate (eegats! so exciting!), working two jobs to get by and all the while keeping my eye on the prize. I know what my dream is, what the end game is but like with a lot of things in my life, I wonder if I’ll even realize it when the time comes.
Do we ever really live the dream? I mean, time moves so incredibly fast that I feel like half the time I don’t realize the significance of things until they’re just a memory. What if instead of living the dream, I’m missing out on parts of my life right now that were once a dream to me? Bare with me here guys, I know this is all getting to be some Twilight Zone thinking shit in here.
The fact that I’m even in college (and doing well might I add) is a dream come true, but it took me sitting down to write this to realize it and have it hit me. Shit, the fact that I’m alive is a dream. If you know my story you know the meaning behind that last sentence, but my past dream was to live a life of being happy, confident and motivated. To 20 year old Jess, this time of my life is a dream.
I’ve muttered the phrase “livin’ the dream” countless times over the past few years, but I never really meant it. We live in a constant state of future chasing. In different times of our life the end game can change drastically, and as we get older we see it alter greatly. So I guess to answer my own question here (sorry, us psychology majors who love research do this all the freakin’ time!), it takes reflection of your past self to realize if you are living the dream or not. Only it’s not living the dream, as much as it is living a dream; because let’s be real, you’re dream life a few years ago is more than likely not the dream life you wish for now.

Spark of Hope (February 3rd)

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment”

-Buddha

 

I don’t know about you, but I’m constantly focusing on a time that is not the present. I day dream of the future, mainly the “what-if’s” and finding myself in a panic with thoughts that something will go awfully wrong to throw off my plans I have; or I’m reminiscing of the past and all of the places I made mistakes and beating myself up over being human and perfectly imperfect. But one skill I’ve learned is the ability to be mindful. There’s a therapy style known as CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and one of it’s skills is the use of mindfulness. At first it seemed so odd and a foreign concept to me, but the more I practiced, the more I appreciated the present moment. Living in the present has a better chance of changing your future than worrying about the future.

 

Goal: Try focusing on today as it happens. If negative thoughts occur, acknowledge that they are just thoughts and they have no power over you. If the past comes creeping in, tell yourself that it no longer matters because it is not relevant to the place you’re in today.

Feeling A Moment

I had a moment today while visiting my Grandma. I was sitting in her room on the big chair that attempted to engulf me in the cushion; out of habit I glanced down at my phone, pressing the button so the screen would illuminate and I could see what time it was. Something in that particular moment hit differently for me though.

Before all of this happened to her, I remember taking her for granted. I guess you could say I was feeling guilt as I sat there, contemplating whether I should gather my things and go do the errands that were a part of my Sunday routine. I guess guilt is a good adjective to use here, because I found myself wishing I could go back and re-do all of those visits throughout my life up until last December. If I knew that this was the shit storm life or God or whoever would throw at her I would have spent more time with her, embracing her company and knowing that the love and life of my Grandma is fragile and can be gone in a matter of seconds.

I think as I sat there in that chair today, it was the first time I was really present in a moment as it happened. With difficult situations it is so hard to be there 100% mentally. Yes, I was there through everything the night me and my mom found her lying there inside her home. But I don’t think any of us were actually there mentally. The mind is a wonderfully powerful organ in ourselves. It was protecting me that night, and the last 11.5 months. Now I would kill to go back and be 100% present all of those days I spent with her.

I would go back and not ask my mom “how long until we leave?” or “I don’t want to go down today, can’t I just stay home?”

I was so fucking selfish when I was younger. If I could have even just one of those moments where I was begging to go home or whatever, I would shut my mouth and stay just so I could be with her and my family. I want to feel a moment, not just be physically present.

If I could talk to her and she talk back, I would apologize to her for not seeing her as much, for taking her for granted and just have a conversation I haven’t been able to have in so long. I want to be called her Grand-baby again.